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When relationships fail, there is a natural inclination to keep revisiting the scene of the accident. I myself spend much of the time I should be sleeping thinking about WHAT THE *%#> HAPPENED? It is natural. As humans we are driven to rectify our experiences so that they make sense.

The problem is that everyone has a wildly different perception of each experience. Each individual has his own filter and processes information differently. The result is a wide variation of even what transpired in a single argument. “I never said that” is common response when discussing an argument. Do people not hear what they say? Or do people misinterpret what they hear? Maybe it is both. Everyone filters their experiences to such a great degree that without a tape recorder or video camera it would be impossible to figure out what happened with any accuracy.

Maybe you have heard the saying “the majority of communication is miscommunication”.  Given the vast opportunity for the failure of communication misunderstandings just seem to happen. You can try and try to work at a relationship to no avail. I have tried to problem solve and figure it out to the best of my ability. Sometimes relationships just fall apart anyway and you have to pick your tent up and move down the road.

No amount of understanding will change it. You just have to let go, breath in and breath out and move on. Sad.

So your happily ever after ended not so happily. Mine didn’t either. It is odd in this country that while most marriages end in divorce we all still expect a happily ever after. My sister went through a very long drawn out angry separation. She was furious that he disappointed her and failed to make her dreams actualized. Her expectations were dashed. It went on for a very long time and was very hurtful for everyone involved. Not good.

And at the end of a messy divorce when you get your pound of flesh is anyone any happier? Wikipedia describes Disappointment as ” the feeling of dissatisfaction that follows the failure of expectations or hopes to manifest.”.  The two are clearly intertwined. So it follows that if you removed expectation you are less likely to be disappointed.

I don’t believe in compromising your goals or intentions for the direction you want life to take you. Moving on might be the best remedy for both parties. For me the solution is to let go of expectations and be open to possibility. So it didn’t work out. The future is not exactly how I envisioned it but I am open to possibility. And possibility could take me to a much better place than expectation.

I am lacing up my walking shoes.

When I fell in love with my husband many years ago I was completely taken by how funny he was and how smart, handsome, athletic and interesting. It was a whirlwind romance fueled by fun and passion. Biology had descended on me in a big way. Genetically he was a match and my body said YES!

The problem with all this is that when the fires all simmer down do you have the right stuff? In our case we still have the humor, the same moral compass and  can “get along”.  We are a cute couple! What is missing is that he doesn’t recognize me as an individuated person. Odd but he sees us as a couple and him as an individual but ignores me as an individual. The net result has been a lot of isolation and loneliness on my end. Emotional abandonment? Yes. Very sad.

Intimacy. In-to-me-you-see. Lack of it has been our undoing.

Apparently estrogen is a mind control hormone. It heavily influences a woman’s need to nest and nurture. It allows us to put up with all kinds of nonsense like the ups and downs of love and relationships. What kind of sane person would undertake the raising of a child? Estrogen tells you it will be OK. You can have it all. The husband the house and of course the career to help pay for it. Estrogen says no sleep is fine. That you can get up at 5:30, bake cookies, make Halloween costumes and at the end of the day still have energy for sex. Without estrogen, no one in there right mind would undertake all this. Only the president of the United States works harder.

And then at age 40 to 50 it is gone. Lots of books are written about the change.  The Madness of Menopause is a great article to read. Estrogen is gone and the mind returns to normal. The woman looks around and says “yikes how did I get here”.  Some women make easier transitions than others. The husband picks up more of the slack. Maybe the kids are already away at college. Maybe the woman gets on hormone replacements and happy pills. I have also seen the other end of the spectrum. My friend Mary just up and left her husband of 30 years. We were all very close and no one saw it coming. Poof! She never looked back. Two years later she has found a new love and is very happy.

You just never know….

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and despite feeling cheated on the relationship front I will choose to focus on the things I am happy for. For starts, I turned 50 today and I think I have the best friends on the planet. We had an amazing dinner last night at a Los Angeles restaurant. They have been beyond supportive and understanding. I also got some pretty killer gifts. And I have known them for 25+ years. They are keepers. Would not trade them for ANYTHING! Period. Enough said:)

Secondly, I went to power yoga tonight and although I am now 50 which is a very big number I can not only keep up with the class but I can do all the poses at level 3+ and I can reach deeper than all the 20 somethings in all the yoga positions. Enough said:)

So when life throws you rotten apples throw them back! Just make sure you focus on life’s best ammo…the good parts.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Does the amicable breakup exist? I have friends who are still close with their ex spouse. They come to their birthday parties and pet sit for each others dogs. How do you get to this point? Are they such sensible and evolved people that they just sat down at the end and talked it out with love and compassion and decided on what was best for both of them?

The alternative is grim. It seems to me that the whole process of lawyering up and heading to court would create such a divide that it would seem impossible to recapture a friendly relationship. I see people in the throws of the process tearing each other apart. Its hard to imagine that they ever loved each other. I understand the temptation. The anger and the disappointment is huge. The loss is vast. Never mind all the material things that you need to part with. Plus, there is the looming and potentially scary lonely future out there.

I really just want to work it out. Not as a couple anymore but as a person who loved another person for many years and now wants to move on. I wish there was a mediator for this. Someone who could walk you through all the steps of dismantling your relationship and turning it into a friendship.

Life really should come with a manual. It is way too complicated.

Therapy. Today I have two appointments. Yes, I find that at this point in my life I need two different therapists. Am I that screwed up? The strange thing is that I am feeling pretty good. I am doing a lot of talking about some really tender subjects. After each session I feel a big sign of relief. Ahhhh. Like a big breath exhaling. Not much is really changing but I am changing how I feel about things.

It has come to my attention through therapy that some of the discomfort I feel in my relationship with my father is being replayed in my relationship with my husband. This seems so ridiculously predictable. I really though I was a much more interesting person. I feel very commonly human right now. I married my Father. Egads!

My regular therapist is a talk therapist. She asks me what I think a lot. To be honest, I’m not sure what to think. That is why I’m here. I know it is helping but I think it would go much faster if she would tell me what SHE thinks.

My other therapist lives on the East Coast and does Resonance Repatterning. It is very woo woo. We meet on the phone and she tests my body for blocks and directs me to areas of childhood trauma. If addition, we have discovered that there has been a lack of courage in my family for three generations. Crazy right? I found her online when I was looking for help with my crippling anxiety. I have seen her three times now and for an hour or more she tests various parts of my body, we recite affirmations designed to address my anxiety and false beliefs, we do acupressure and body movements. It is the most bizarre form of therapy I have ever done. However at the end of each session a feel a great sense of well being.

At the end of the day I’m just trying to piece it together like everyone else. And whatever helps helps. Therapy session number two here I come!

I’ll be honest. My husband I have had problems since the beginning. The frightening thing is that was 21 years ago. In some ways it is easier. I don’t have the fantasy of that perfect life partner. I am perfectly happy to connect emotionally with my friends instead. According to my therapist who I go to weekly, I am well adjusted and have a good life. I just have a bad realtionship. Ugh! His idea of a relationship is getting along. We have nice chit chat and he wants to keep it that way. Until he is cranky and gets a little mean and then I am supposed to forget it immediately as it it never happened. Reality? I think not. What we have now is the bare minimum of any relating at all!

And then there is the financial piece. I live in California and community property is very cut and dry. He will get half and I will struggle to live on half. That is a bitter pill considering the successful business we have was my brainchild and I have been working at it for 9 years. He on the other hand has had several failed ventures and wants to retire.

I woke up a couple of weeks ago and realized I can’t do this for another 30 years. My 50th birthday is Wed. Initially when I told him my feelings he says flippantly “we should get a divorce then”. Maybe we should.

I guess you know when you know…